The Problem with Gender Reveal Parties: A Gender Studies Minor's Commentary

Okay, so gender reveal parties have become recently popular in the past few years or so. We've seen all the videos, where there's an item that the expecting parents hold, like a balloon, or cut a cake, or a smoke machine, and once it's popped or cut or whatever—we see either pink for a girl or blue for a boy. We see expecting parents either happy, cheering with their friends, or throwing their party favors in disappointment with the "gender" they did not want their baby to be. However, do we ever look beyond these surface level reactions and analyze why gender reveal parties are actually problematic? Despite the fact that people enjoy doing it and it's become popular in a society where we use so much social media, that doesn't mean that this popular party idea does not—and should not—exist outside of the realm of criticism.

Why are the Two Conflated?: The Difference between Sex and Gender

Now let's talk about why gender reveal parties happen in the first place. As soon as expecting parents go into the doctor's office to get an ultrasound, what's the first thing the doctor does? Checks the sex of the baby on the ultrasound, and says "It's a boy!" or "It's a girl!" So this is part of the problem right here: not understanding the difference between sex and gender.

Sex strictly refers to your sexual anatomy; whether or not you have a vagina or a penis. Sex is viewed as something that is binary—meaning something that can only exist as either one or the other—when it's actually not. We rarely take into account babies that are intersex, or having ambiguous or various sexual anatomy that do not conform to the typical anatomical standard of "male" and "female" anatomy.

Gender, on the other hand, has more to do with the social and cultural practices—and is anything but binary. Gender is more personal and something we can self-identify with. Gender identity has to do with gender pronouns, whether or not someone identifies with "he", "she", and/or "they". Gender expression, however, has to do with how people decide to how people express themselves—such as how they look, the clothes they wear, how they act, and maybe even their interests as well.

It's important to note that gender identity and gender expression are two different things. For example, if someone identifies with "she/her" pronouns, they may express their gender in a more feminine manner by wearing dresses, wearing makeup, etc. However, just because you identify with certain gender pronouns doesn't mean you have to express your gender accordingly. For example, someone who may identify with "he/him" or "they/them" pronouns may express their gender in a feminine manner as well, or even in a manner that is not restricted to just masculine or feminine gender expression.

Keep in mind that these are all separate things because parents confuse all three of these concepts. Parents often fall victim to the fallacy of biological determinism, or the belief that your gender is assigned based on your sexual anatomy at birth and that your gender is set for life. It's important to understand that although sex is biological, the concept of sex is socially constructed; this means that a concept has been adopted by society and internalized on a societal level as something is real or true. For example, we know what a penis is, but we automatically associate someone having a penis as being a man. We have internalized the social construct that tells us that that's what sex is—an anatomical part that determines your gender. Same for gender, the only difference is that gender is not biological at all, but strictly sociocultural. We know what a girl is—someone who identifies with "she" pronouns—but we internalize the social construct that tells us that a girl is someone who has long hair, likes pink, likes makeup, likes to play with "girl" toys, etc.

And this is precisely what gender reveal parties mess up on.

They're rooted in the fact that sex equates to gender identity and gender identity equates to gender expression. What gender reveal parties actually are, are SEX reveal parties because they reveal the SEX of the baby. When expecting parents find out from their doctor that their baby has a vagina, what do they do? They buy ALL the pink baby decorations they can find from Party City. This is where understanding why the social construct of gender can be so absurd comes in, because parents are assuming the baby will like "girly things" just because they have a certain body part.

If you think about it, parents basing their unborn baby's characteristics, likes, and dislikes off of a body part is so arbitrary. The truth is that it does the soon-to-be-born baby more harm than good, as expecting parents place heavily gendered, restrictive expectations on their baby before they even know them.

"Gender Disappointment": The Issue with Parents Placing Too Much Importance on their Baby's "Gender"

So this is actually a term that I've heard recently, but it's becoming amplified because of all the viral negative gender reveal party reactions. So the term "gender disappointment" is quite the self-explanatory one, it basically means an expecting parent is disappointed with the baby's "gender". If you think about it, I would say this shows that gender reveal parties are more for the parents than to actually celebrate the baby they're going to have. Because why be disappointed that you think the baby is not going to be the "gender" that you want it to be? Or is the "gender disappointment" because the gendered expectations you placed on your unborn baby is ruined before you even get to know them?

For example why is an expecting parent disappointed when they find out they're having a "girl" when they wanted a "boy"? Is it because they expected to play catch with their son, or buy their son toys like monster trucks and superheroes? On the other hand, why would an expecting parent be disappointed when they find out they're having a "boy" when they wanted a "girl"? Is it because they actually wanted to buy their daughter Barbie dolls, buy her dresses, and decorate her room all in pink? And they can't do that with a baby who just so happens to have a penis?

This is why parents themselves are the ones who restrict their children into the gender binary. What parents don't want to hear is that it's really their child who has a say in their own gender identity and expression—not the parents who have forced those expectations upon them. Parents are the first ones to teach children about the gender norms they are supposed to follow. You think that if you have a daughter, she wouldn't want to play catch with a baseball? Or if you have a son, he wouldn't want to play with dolls? Honestly, who cares what "gender" your child ends up identifying with? The most important thing should be that you were blessed with a child. But the truth is, children have not yet become aware of gender norms as their parents have. So here's the most important thing to be understand when it comes to children, gendered toys, and gendered expectations:

THEY DON'T CARE.

Kids literally don't care! They don't care about gender norms in the same way that parents do. You know what children do care about? Doing what's FUN. The only reason children won't wear certain clothes, play with certain toys, or behave certain ways in general is because parents tell them they can't do that because it's a "boy thing" or a "girl thing". But if children were NOT told that on the other hand and were free to express themselves however they wanted, they would be limitless in the way they were always meant to be and they could be exactly who they want to be. Little boys don't see something as a "girl toy", they see it as a toy they want to play with because it looks fun. And little girls wouldn't see playing with a ball as a "boy thing" because they just see it as something that they want to do because it looks fun. They don't learn how to differentiate "boy things" from "girl things" until their parents TEACH it to them.

Why Gender Reveal Parties Reinforce the Fallacy that Gender is Binary and Permanent

Another issue to take into consideration is the assumption that the baby that is being birthed is always going to identify with the gender they had no say in being assigned to them. For example, there are many expecting parents out there who were glowing with joy when they found out they were having the "daughter/son they always wanted". However, no one talks about how this places lots of unnecessary pressure on children who find out they are trans or non-binary.

The truth is, there's nothing binary about gender. Gender is not permanent by any means, but rather fluid; gender can actually exist on a spectrum. The problem is that these gendered expectations don't just start and stop with a gender reveal, but they actually persist throughout life—starting with the way children are taught to socialize and navigate their pre-assigned gender. As a parent, placing unnecessary importance on your child's gender like it's their personality trait can do children more harm than good for this reason. The issue with parents placing so much importance on their child's gender is when their child realizes they never really identified with the gender they were assigned at birth, parents can react with transphobia and harm their child—whether it's physical or emotional. Unfortunately, this is the reality for many trans and non-binary children. It's ingrained bioessentialism—the belief that you need a vagina to be a woman or a penis to be a man—that perpetuates the invalidation of trans and non-binary people and their gender identities.

I thought this would be a good time to show an excellent video of Sung Tse, a Christian Korean mother discussing her reactions when her child came out to her as trans masculine. She discusses why it's important to embrace your children as they are, regardless of the gender they identify with. I strongly recommend watching this video, however, it may make you emotional—especially if you identify within the LGBTQ+ community and/or identify as transgender/gender non-binary.

Trigger Warning: Please be aware that this includes an emotional conversation with her child during the 2016 Pulse Nightclub shooting. If that is triggering for you, feel free to skip.

And after reading all of this, you may think, "it's just a gender reveal party, it's really not that big of a deal," but it kind of is. I encourage you to think about the things you take at surface value a little deeper. The truth is that nothing exists in a vacuum; everything is influenced by social norms and expectations, and gender reveal parties are not exempt from that.

So next time you see a gender reveal party: unpack it! Ask yourself why we do gender reveals the way we do, from the colors, to the gifts, to the toys, the baby clothes, to the reactions expecting parents have. Ask yourself why you know, based on the image above, that the onesie on the left is intended for a boy and the onesie on the right is intended for a girl. Don't be afraid to start questioning gender norms, as they are literally projected onto us even before birth. It's important to think critically about these issues, instead of taking them at face value and without question. Hopefully this article was able to give some insight on the concept of gender reveals, because truthfully, there's always so much to unpack there if you take the time to think.

For more information, check out these informative links below!

For more on Gender Identity vs. Gender Expression

For more on the Difference between Sex and Gender

http://sciabc.us/gkb3U

For more on the Social Construction of Sex and Gender

https://thesocietypages.org/trot/2018/11/26/the-social-construction-of-gender-and-sex/